QUOTE
Sports
Media missed some great stories after tiger attack
By Obrey Brown, Sports Editor
Every now and then, we sports guys roll along and run into unexpected sources, unexpected stories and unexpected results.
And since most sports editors, not to mention a few writers, prance along only viewing the results of a baseball game, or a Tour de France, or the outcome of a Super Bowl, or two, as the only headline items, it's hard to let anything else sink into our minds.
“Do you guys ever do any outdoor stories about animals?” Dr. Marcus Tonielle, who has been a professor on at least three college campuses, was asking the question with a smile. He was referring to last Christmas' tiger slaying at the San Francisco Zoo. Seems the media has missed out on some mighty neat opportunities to pursue some fabulous stories. The outcome of an uncontrolled encounter between man and tiger, he said, can be tragic for both parties. “But what about lion vs. tiger? Or an elephant vs. a cape buffalo? Or Bigfoot?”
Tonielle, 56, says the Brett Favre saga is “interesting.” The upcoming Olympics is “clearly huge.” Baseball's pennant races certainly are “headline stuff.”
But he threw in a little challenge, hoping I'd take the bait.
“What if you held a giant cage match on a 25-acre preserve with a pond, and also threw in a grizzly bear, porcupine and a hippopotamus? Of these fearsome creatures, which would emerge standing?” he pondered.
“There's a good chance that if the public had a chance to pick sports like animal versus animal, or some other interesting matchups, they might never watch another NFL game, or never again travel to watch Kobe Bryant shoot a ball or Tiger Woods swing a golf club.
“That tiger at the (S.F.) zoo was a killer,” he said, “and everyone knows it. In my studies over the years, that tiger could've been beaten.”
Here's how he handicapped the giant cage match, taking pains to make sure I'd be interested by mentioning a baseball player. The odds go from long shot to favorite.
10. Barry Bonds: The world's greatest athlete, he said. He'd be as naked in this match as Tarzan in the jungle. Almost every animal in the wild kingdom is faster and stronger than any human, many are equipped with natural tools to defend and attack, and unlike people, they are born with the ability to sneak, avoid, kill and survive. “His only chance,” said Tonielle, “would be to train an elephant into being his pet, jump on its back, roar around and plunder the little guys, kind of like how he played baseball.”
Odds: Million-to-1.
9. Cape buffalo: In Botswana and neighboring African countries, he said, the cape buffalo is often feared as an equal to the lion, hippo and elephant. They are gigantic, strong, have massive horns, and yet are killers. Cape buffalos can range to nearly 2,000 pounds, 5 1/2 feet high and nine feet long. “I knew a hunting guide from Canada,” said Tonielle, “who was hiding in the grass, stalking a cape buffalo, when another buffalo crept in from the side and blindsided him; the guide was crushed, picked up by the beast's horns and then thrown 30 or 40 feet.”
In a fight, he said, the cape buffalo's immense bulk can be staggering. But cape buffaloes are slow and it is possible for a fast predator to jump on their backs. A fight between a cape buffalo and a grizzly bear would be dead-even.
Odds: 25-to-1
8. Alaskan brown bear (grizzly bear): In the Katmai of Alaska, the bears have been called “Volkswagens With Hair.” The big ones go 9 feet and 1,200 pounds, sometimes bigger. The big bears are awesome, but they have a built-in defect in a fight: They will not back down from anything. As street-gang thugs are learning, this mentality always ends up with one of the participants at the morgue. In a cage match, stealth is often better than confrontation. The big bears are full of bluster, growl and bite, and one slap of the paw can knock off your head. But a tiger would run rings around them, and they're too small for hippos and elephants.
Odds: 25-to-1
7. Lion: The “Big Cat” has a surly streak. It can loll about in the shade for hour after hour, resting 20 hours a day, purring like a kitten, and then suddenly spring into action. With a 40-mph burst of speed, powerful legs and terrifying bite, a lion can kill a zebra in seconds and tear it apart in minutes. “The big males average,” said Tonielle, “about 500 pounds, and their speed, power and deadly bites, claw slaps and fight-to-the death mindset likely would overcome a bear like an F-16 swooping in on an armed B-52.”
In the wild, flash speed and power beats power alone, but lions hunt in groups, stalking and trapping their prey, and in this match, a lion would be on its own. In 1-on-1 showdowns, once the grizzly was out of the way, he'd be as naked as Bonds on his elephant.
Odds: 15-to-1
6. Hippopotamus: Until you see one, the size of hippos are beyond imagination.
“They are bigger than a car,” said Tonielle, “and resemble an army tank with legs. Most are 10 to 12 feet long, are 5 feet tall at the shoulder, and weigh more than 4,000 pounds. Your average Honda weighs about 3,000 pounds.”
They might look slow, but they can run 30 mph (like a tank) for 100 yards, and in the water, are graceful, fast swimmers (like mini submarines). Behind elephants and lions, hippos are the third most dangerous mammal to humans. When you get in their bubble, they have nasty tempers, and with their massive jaws, can bite a boat in two and then crush the occupants. Because they can stay underwater for five minutes, you don't see them coming. In a cage match, they'd be able to use this amphibious trick to hide, outlast and surprise a lion, bear or cape buffalo getting a drink.
Odds: 12-to-1
5. Tiger: The Siberian tiger might be nature's perfect warrior. At 11 feet long and 500 pounds, it has the size to handle anything.
“With a top running speed of 40 mph,” said Tonielle, “and an attack burst speed even faster, Siberian tigers can handle any one-on-one fight. And yet, they also have a furtive side, the ability to slink, and then burst upon their victims.”
Finally, they can be vicious, as we found out in San Francisco last Christmas, he said. “Their physical abilities are unmatched. On a computer video posted last week, there was a shot of a tiger jumping on top of a 12-foot tall elephant (so much for Bonds sitting on top of an elephant).”
Of all the animals in the wild or at the zoo, the tiger is the one that petrifies Tonielle.
Odds: 5-to-1
4. Porcupine: In the wild, survival isn't always based on size, speed, claws or teeth. Wildlife with an impenetrable defense, and thus the ability to avoid fights, can survive fierce predators. The porcupine's barbed quills provide this. “I've seen hungry grizzly bears try to take down a porcupine and end up with a nose full of quills and an empty stomach, and then turn away, beaten,” said Tolienne. “It's an amazing sight.”
At first glance, a porcupine appears clunky and waddles like a fat guinea pig. Then it will flare its quills and whip that tail around like the Sword of Lancelot. In a fight, porcupines can stick hundreds of these barbed quills in an attacker, and even kill the attacker if a vital spot is hit. So in a cage match, all the big boys would avoid this little fellow, and he'd last right to the Final Four.
Odds: 4-to-1
3. Elephant: The elephant is the most dangerous mammal. Elephants reach 11, 12 feet tall, weigh 12,000 pounds, and their tusks can grow to 10 feet long and weigh 200 pounds. In Africa, the stories of elephants impaling people and then tossing them 20 or 30 yards are legend. They also are smart enough to crush their victims.
“Yet they are also fast,” said Tonielle, “with a walk of 24 mph, and are good swimmers. Their skin is an inch thick, a fantastic armor against anything that bites. An elephant is slow to anger and even can be trained like a pet but, when in a rage, can crush everything in its path. How do you beat an elephant? Unless you are a tiger and get a hold of the top of its neck, you don't.”
Odds: 2-to-1
2. Giant mutant badger: If a badger reached the size of lions, tigers and bears, it would rule the wildlife kingdom. What you learn, in a fight or a poker game, is that selective relentless aggression will take down your opponent. That's why badgers don't lose. They are capable of holing up in their den for long periods, and then emerge in a ruthless attack. When moved, they are vicious and unstoppable, and can shred their victims to small pieces. Back in the 1960s, there were a series of terrible science-fiction movies in which a scientist knocked over a vial in his lab, some critter would drink the liquid and then grow to giant size and terrorize the world. When it comes to a badger, it's a lucky thing this can't happen.
Odds: 2-to-1
1. Bigfoot: Now you see him. Now you don't. That's why Bigfoot wins. Bigfoot, the mythical/legendary wild man of the woods, has the perfect ability to escape all encounters, and thus wins the caged showdown of the great wild creatures of the world. You can't catch him. “When I watched the people hired to look for Bigfoot,” said Tonielle, “I spent several days with Yurok tribal elders on the Hoopa Reservation to learn everything I could: ‘You will never see him,' they said. ‘You will see only his footprints. If you do anything wrong, the mountains will punish you.' Kind of scary, isn't it? They believe Bigfoot is a spirit that crosses between two dimensions, and that explains how he disappears after so many sightings. So in the wildlife cage match, even the giant mutant badger cannot corner him. The match would end when Bigfoot disappears into another dimension and the giant mutant badger goes back in his den.”
Odds: Undefeatable winner
Thanks, Dr. Mark. I enjoyed the ‘outdoor' lesson. Also, I am staying away from the zoo.
• • •
Most dangerous
Ranked by estimated number of human fatalities per year, these are the world's most dangerous animals:
1. Mosquito - 2 million
2. Snake - 100,000
3. Scorpion - 5,000
4. Crocodile - 2,000
5. Elephant - 600
6. Bee - 400
7. Lion - 250
8. Hippopotamus - 200
9. Jellyfish - 100
10. Shark - 30 to 100
Source: NobleMind.com
Media missed some great stories after tiger attack
By Obrey Brown, Sports Editor
Every now and then, we sports guys roll along and run into unexpected sources, unexpected stories and unexpected results.
And since most sports editors, not to mention a few writers, prance along only viewing the results of a baseball game, or a Tour de France, or the outcome of a Super Bowl, or two, as the only headline items, it's hard to let anything else sink into our minds.
“Do you guys ever do any outdoor stories about animals?” Dr. Marcus Tonielle, who has been a professor on at least three college campuses, was asking the question with a smile. He was referring to last Christmas' tiger slaying at the San Francisco Zoo. Seems the media has missed out on some mighty neat opportunities to pursue some fabulous stories. The outcome of an uncontrolled encounter between man and tiger, he said, can be tragic for both parties. “But what about lion vs. tiger? Or an elephant vs. a cape buffalo? Or Bigfoot?”
Tonielle, 56, says the Brett Favre saga is “interesting.” The upcoming Olympics is “clearly huge.” Baseball's pennant races certainly are “headline stuff.”
But he threw in a little challenge, hoping I'd take the bait.
“What if you held a giant cage match on a 25-acre preserve with a pond, and also threw in a grizzly bear, porcupine and a hippopotamus? Of these fearsome creatures, which would emerge standing?” he pondered.
“There's a good chance that if the public had a chance to pick sports like animal versus animal, or some other interesting matchups, they might never watch another NFL game, or never again travel to watch Kobe Bryant shoot a ball or Tiger Woods swing a golf club.
“That tiger at the (S.F.) zoo was a killer,” he said, “and everyone knows it. In my studies over the years, that tiger could've been beaten.”
Here's how he handicapped the giant cage match, taking pains to make sure I'd be interested by mentioning a baseball player. The odds go from long shot to favorite.
10. Barry Bonds: The world's greatest athlete, he said. He'd be as naked in this match as Tarzan in the jungle. Almost every animal in the wild kingdom is faster and stronger than any human, many are equipped with natural tools to defend and attack, and unlike people, they are born with the ability to sneak, avoid, kill and survive. “His only chance,” said Tonielle, “would be to train an elephant into being his pet, jump on its back, roar around and plunder the little guys, kind of like how he played baseball.”
Odds: Million-to-1.
9. Cape buffalo: In Botswana and neighboring African countries, he said, the cape buffalo is often feared as an equal to the lion, hippo and elephant. They are gigantic, strong, have massive horns, and yet are killers. Cape buffalos can range to nearly 2,000 pounds, 5 1/2 feet high and nine feet long. “I knew a hunting guide from Canada,” said Tonielle, “who was hiding in the grass, stalking a cape buffalo, when another buffalo crept in from the side and blindsided him; the guide was crushed, picked up by the beast's horns and then thrown 30 or 40 feet.”
In a fight, he said, the cape buffalo's immense bulk can be staggering. But cape buffaloes are slow and it is possible for a fast predator to jump on their backs. A fight between a cape buffalo and a grizzly bear would be dead-even.
Odds: 25-to-1
8. Alaskan brown bear (grizzly bear): In the Katmai of Alaska, the bears have been called “Volkswagens With Hair.” The big ones go 9 feet and 1,200 pounds, sometimes bigger. The big bears are awesome, but they have a built-in defect in a fight: They will not back down from anything. As street-gang thugs are learning, this mentality always ends up with one of the participants at the morgue. In a cage match, stealth is often better than confrontation. The big bears are full of bluster, growl and bite, and one slap of the paw can knock off your head. But a tiger would run rings around them, and they're too small for hippos and elephants.
Odds: 25-to-1
7. Lion: The “Big Cat” has a surly streak. It can loll about in the shade for hour after hour, resting 20 hours a day, purring like a kitten, and then suddenly spring into action. With a 40-mph burst of speed, powerful legs and terrifying bite, a lion can kill a zebra in seconds and tear it apart in minutes. “The big males average,” said Tonielle, “about 500 pounds, and their speed, power and deadly bites, claw slaps and fight-to-the death mindset likely would overcome a bear like an F-16 swooping in on an armed B-52.”
In the wild, flash speed and power beats power alone, but lions hunt in groups, stalking and trapping their prey, and in this match, a lion would be on its own. In 1-on-1 showdowns, once the grizzly was out of the way, he'd be as naked as Bonds on his elephant.
Odds: 15-to-1
6. Hippopotamus: Until you see one, the size of hippos are beyond imagination.
“They are bigger than a car,” said Tonielle, “and resemble an army tank with legs. Most are 10 to 12 feet long, are 5 feet tall at the shoulder, and weigh more than 4,000 pounds. Your average Honda weighs about 3,000 pounds.”
They might look slow, but they can run 30 mph (like a tank) for 100 yards, and in the water, are graceful, fast swimmers (like mini submarines). Behind elephants and lions, hippos are the third most dangerous mammal to humans. When you get in their bubble, they have nasty tempers, and with their massive jaws, can bite a boat in two and then crush the occupants. Because they can stay underwater for five minutes, you don't see them coming. In a cage match, they'd be able to use this amphibious trick to hide, outlast and surprise a lion, bear or cape buffalo getting a drink.
Odds: 12-to-1
5. Tiger: The Siberian tiger might be nature's perfect warrior. At 11 feet long and 500 pounds, it has the size to handle anything.
“With a top running speed of 40 mph,” said Tonielle, “and an attack burst speed even faster, Siberian tigers can handle any one-on-one fight. And yet, they also have a furtive side, the ability to slink, and then burst upon their victims.”
Finally, they can be vicious, as we found out in San Francisco last Christmas, he said. “Their physical abilities are unmatched. On a computer video posted last week, there was a shot of a tiger jumping on top of a 12-foot tall elephant (so much for Bonds sitting on top of an elephant).”
Of all the animals in the wild or at the zoo, the tiger is the one that petrifies Tonielle.
Odds: 5-to-1
4. Porcupine: In the wild, survival isn't always based on size, speed, claws or teeth. Wildlife with an impenetrable defense, and thus the ability to avoid fights, can survive fierce predators. The porcupine's barbed quills provide this. “I've seen hungry grizzly bears try to take down a porcupine and end up with a nose full of quills and an empty stomach, and then turn away, beaten,” said Tolienne. “It's an amazing sight.”
At first glance, a porcupine appears clunky and waddles like a fat guinea pig. Then it will flare its quills and whip that tail around like the Sword of Lancelot. In a fight, porcupines can stick hundreds of these barbed quills in an attacker, and even kill the attacker if a vital spot is hit. So in a cage match, all the big boys would avoid this little fellow, and he'd last right to the Final Four.
Odds: 4-to-1
3. Elephant: The elephant is the most dangerous mammal. Elephants reach 11, 12 feet tall, weigh 12,000 pounds, and their tusks can grow to 10 feet long and weigh 200 pounds. In Africa, the stories of elephants impaling people and then tossing them 20 or 30 yards are legend. They also are smart enough to crush their victims.
“Yet they are also fast,” said Tonielle, “with a walk of 24 mph, and are good swimmers. Their skin is an inch thick, a fantastic armor against anything that bites. An elephant is slow to anger and even can be trained like a pet but, when in a rage, can crush everything in its path. How do you beat an elephant? Unless you are a tiger and get a hold of the top of its neck, you don't.”
Odds: 2-to-1
2. Giant mutant badger: If a badger reached the size of lions, tigers and bears, it would rule the wildlife kingdom. What you learn, in a fight or a poker game, is that selective relentless aggression will take down your opponent. That's why badgers don't lose. They are capable of holing up in their den for long periods, and then emerge in a ruthless attack. When moved, they are vicious and unstoppable, and can shred their victims to small pieces. Back in the 1960s, there were a series of terrible science-fiction movies in which a scientist knocked over a vial in his lab, some critter would drink the liquid and then grow to giant size and terrorize the world. When it comes to a badger, it's a lucky thing this can't happen.
Odds: 2-to-1
1. Bigfoot: Now you see him. Now you don't. That's why Bigfoot wins. Bigfoot, the mythical/legendary wild man of the woods, has the perfect ability to escape all encounters, and thus wins the caged showdown of the great wild creatures of the world. You can't catch him. “When I watched the people hired to look for Bigfoot,” said Tonielle, “I spent several days with Yurok tribal elders on the Hoopa Reservation to learn everything I could: ‘You will never see him,' they said. ‘You will see only his footprints. If you do anything wrong, the mountains will punish you.' Kind of scary, isn't it? They believe Bigfoot is a spirit that crosses between two dimensions, and that explains how he disappears after so many sightings. So in the wildlife cage match, even the giant mutant badger cannot corner him. The match would end when Bigfoot disappears into another dimension and the giant mutant badger goes back in his den.”
Odds: Undefeatable winner
Thanks, Dr. Mark. I enjoyed the ‘outdoor' lesson. Also, I am staying away from the zoo.
• • •
Most dangerous
Ranked by estimated number of human fatalities per year, these are the world's most dangerous animals:
1. Mosquito - 2 million
2. Snake - 100,000
3. Scorpion - 5,000
4. Crocodile - 2,000
5. Elephant - 600
6. Bee - 400
7. Lion - 250
8. Hippopotamus - 200
9. Jellyfish - 100
10. Shark - 30 to 100
Source: NobleMind.com
