QUOTE
I Spy Bigfoot - or a Bad Gorilla Suit
AL KRATINA, Freelance - Published: 19 hours ago
Cryptozoology, the study of legendary animals, is a valid enterprise to some. To others, it's a frothy rant about sasquatches that somehow works its way into a universal conspiracy theory linking faked moon landings with Stonehenge. I find both approaches fascinating, though I prefer the one that isn't cured through lithium and therapy.
In fact, this week's release of the Loch Ness monster-themed film The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep so interested me that I pitched an article in which I would travel the world searching for various legendary creatures. Though this quickly transformed into a piece for which I watched a bunch of DVDs in my living room and lied to my editor about travelling, those brave enough to attempt an actual cryptozoological expedition can follow my imaginary itinerary.
I began my journey in Canada, where a plethora of local lake monsters and furry bipeds litter the landscape like mythical roadkill. Ogopogo - from Lake Okanagan, B.C. - is probably the most famous, appearing in 2005's Mee-Shee: The Water Giant, though its family-friendly image is probably better suited to General Mills cereal boxes alongside Fruit Brute.
While in B.C., I sat in the forest and stared until I saw Bigfoot appear like an arboreal Magic Eye. While 1996's Drawing Flies and 1987's Harry and the Hendersons, both set in the Pacific Northwest, treat Bigfoot like a cuddly sitcom conceit, travelling south revealed a more ominous monster. Films like Creature from Black Lake (1976) and the docudrama The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972) portray a more aggressive animal, though in both movies, characters that act like the Beverly Hillbillies on a three-day bender are far more frightening.
Next was New Jersey, where the winged and cloven-hoofed Jersey Devil haunts the Pine Barrens, as well as films like Satan's Playground (2005) and 13th Child (2002). Blair Witch Project predecessor The Last Broadcast (1998) is a faux-documentary that examines the mysterious murders of three filmmakers in search of the Jersey Devil, before the film itself is killed by jarring plot twists.
On to Florida, where I joined fictional cryptozoologist Vladimir Strowski in pursuing Bela Lugosi and his atomic octopus through Ed Wood's 1955 film Bride of the Monster. From there, a journey into Central America revealed the Chupacabra, or Goatsucker. The lizard-like monster drains the life out of B-movies like 2005's Chupacabra Terror, which stars Jonathan Rhys-Davies as either a cruise-ship captain or a large pear draped in cadaverous grey skin, depending on which way the light hits him. I avoided moving farther south, as tropical rainforests often contain giant snakes and terrible performances by Jennifer Lopez, if 1997's Anaconda is to be believed.
Instead, I crossed the Pacific, though the journey was not without incident. While kraken - massive tentacled sea monsters - generally frequent more northerly waters, I spotted both the colossal squid and giant stop-motion octopus of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) and It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955), respectively.
Once making landfall in South Korea, I hunted the amphibious creature that lurks in the Han River. As 2006's excellent The Host suggested, the monster's Predator-meets-Kermit appearance struck a delicate balance of terror and comedy with eyewitnesses. Afterwards, I moved toward Europe through China, having decided to avoid the Himalayas until someone makes a yeti film better than 1974's Shriek of the Mutilated, 1957's The Abominable Snowman or 1954's The Snow Creature.
Finally, I reached Scotland's Loch Ness, the cryptozoologist's holy land. There, countless locals eagerly regaled me with bizarre tales of both mysterious lake monster Nessie and creepy film director Werner Herzog, who starred in Zak Penn's 2004 mockumentary Incident at Loch Ness. However, Nessie was ultimately disappointing, as 1970's The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes conclusively proved that the creature is actually a Victorian-era submersible crewed by midget acrobats. True, this explanation is equally strange, but it doesn't really fit into my Stonehenge theory.
alkratina@gmail.com
AL KRATINA, Freelance - Published: 19 hours ago
Cryptozoology, the study of legendary animals, is a valid enterprise to some. To others, it's a frothy rant about sasquatches that somehow works its way into a universal conspiracy theory linking faked moon landings with Stonehenge. I find both approaches fascinating, though I prefer the one that isn't cured through lithium and therapy.
In fact, this week's release of the Loch Ness monster-themed film The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep so interested me that I pitched an article in which I would travel the world searching for various legendary creatures. Though this quickly transformed into a piece for which I watched a bunch of DVDs in my living room and lied to my editor about travelling, those brave enough to attempt an actual cryptozoological expedition can follow my imaginary itinerary.
I began my journey in Canada, where a plethora of local lake monsters and furry bipeds litter the landscape like mythical roadkill. Ogopogo - from Lake Okanagan, B.C. - is probably the most famous, appearing in 2005's Mee-Shee: The Water Giant, though its family-friendly image is probably better suited to General Mills cereal boxes alongside Fruit Brute.
While in B.C., I sat in the forest and stared until I saw Bigfoot appear like an arboreal Magic Eye. While 1996's Drawing Flies and 1987's Harry and the Hendersons, both set in the Pacific Northwest, treat Bigfoot like a cuddly sitcom conceit, travelling south revealed a more ominous monster. Films like Creature from Black Lake (1976) and the docudrama The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972) portray a more aggressive animal, though in both movies, characters that act like the Beverly Hillbillies on a three-day bender are far more frightening.
Next was New Jersey, where the winged and cloven-hoofed Jersey Devil haunts the Pine Barrens, as well as films like Satan's Playground (2005) and 13th Child (2002). Blair Witch Project predecessor The Last Broadcast (1998) is a faux-documentary that examines the mysterious murders of three filmmakers in search of the Jersey Devil, before the film itself is killed by jarring plot twists.
On to Florida, where I joined fictional cryptozoologist Vladimir Strowski in pursuing Bela Lugosi and his atomic octopus through Ed Wood's 1955 film Bride of the Monster. From there, a journey into Central America revealed the Chupacabra, or Goatsucker. The lizard-like monster drains the life out of B-movies like 2005's Chupacabra Terror, which stars Jonathan Rhys-Davies as either a cruise-ship captain or a large pear draped in cadaverous grey skin, depending on which way the light hits him. I avoided moving farther south, as tropical rainforests often contain giant snakes and terrible performances by Jennifer Lopez, if 1997's Anaconda is to be believed.
Instead, I crossed the Pacific, though the journey was not without incident. While kraken - massive tentacled sea monsters - generally frequent more northerly waters, I spotted both the colossal squid and giant stop-motion octopus of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) and It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955), respectively.
Once making landfall in South Korea, I hunted the amphibious creature that lurks in the Han River. As 2006's excellent The Host suggested, the monster's Predator-meets-Kermit appearance struck a delicate balance of terror and comedy with eyewitnesses. Afterwards, I moved toward Europe through China, having decided to avoid the Himalayas until someone makes a yeti film better than 1974's Shriek of the Mutilated, 1957's The Abominable Snowman or 1954's The Snow Creature.
Finally, I reached Scotland's Loch Ness, the cryptozoologist's holy land. There, countless locals eagerly regaled me with bizarre tales of both mysterious lake monster Nessie and creepy film director Werner Herzog, who starred in Zak Penn's 2004 mockumentary Incident at Loch Ness. However, Nessie was ultimately disappointing, as 1970's The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes conclusively proved that the creature is actually a Victorian-era submersible crewed by midget acrobats. True, this explanation is equally strange, but it doesn't really fit into my Stonehenge theory.
alkratina@gmail.com
