http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctime...ia/14479203.htm
[quote]TONY HICKS: AND ANOTHER THING
Bigfoot relocates to Southeast Asia

It's time again for the column you constantly reread and mull over at the water cooler with work colleagues. The one you show your dog so you can have a good laugh together, until you realize your dog can't read and is really laughing at your outfit.

Oh ... my mistake. Apparently we won't be running a bonus Gary Bogue column in this space after all.

So I guess you're stuck with me and another exciting episode of "Mysteriously Tackling Life's Mysterious Mysteries Together," in which we try to solve great modern mysteries, such as why so many cities require firefighters to have mustaches too big to safely fit inside the firehouse.

• How did Bigfoot get to Malaysia?

This is a big one, since everyone knows Bigfoot lives in Humboldt and has a devil of a time getting through airport security with that metal plate in his head (old college football injury). Yet, a couple weeks back, Malaysian wildlife officials denied capturing a baby Bigfoot amid speculation over the existence of the mythical creature in the nation's southern jungles.

The Berita Harian newspaper reported that a young Bigfoot was caught by a group of men thought to be from the Wildlife and National Parks Department near the southern town of Kota Tinggi.

The paper quoted locals who said they'd spoken to men who described shooting the creature with tranquilizer darts. The locals also said they actually saw a large, hairy creature in the back of the hunters' truck.

Now I don't know a lot about Malaysia, but I can't help but wonder why an entire town doesn't have the technological capabilities to take a photograph. And what kind of Bigfoot lets itself get taken down by a puny tranquilizer dart anyway?

And why wouldn't they immediately take the sensible, compassionate path ... and put the poor creature in a circus?

A government spokesman denied the reports. If Malaysian public spokesmen are anything like ours, such a denial really means, "Everything I'm saying right now is, most likely, totally wrong -- whether I know it or not."

So I'm going to go ahead and believe that Bigfoot left the Pacific Northwest for Malaysia at some point, staying long enough to get ... someone ... pregnant. Maybe he was in the Merchant Marine and went on shore leave or something. Things happen.

The story blew up in December when some workers claimed to have spotted three of the beasts, two adults and a youngster, on the edge of a Johor forest reserve.

The national press was all over it, conveying stories dating back decades. Local authorities set up a Bigfoot hot line. Someone showed up with photographs of supposed footprints and ... whammo ... Malaysia catches Bigfoot Fever. Once I get the boss to approve my request to get over there and report the story firsthand, you can count on getting all the hairy details here first.

• Why are there large black billboards in Los Angeles warning people of something unseen coming on 6/6/06?

What could be on the way on that ominously dark date that has scholars of the biblical Book of Revelations fearful?

Public relations people. Brrrrrrrrrrrr.

Twentieth Century Fox will take advantage of the date to release the new version of "The Omen." Musical groups are releasing new records with references to the devil that day. Ann Coulter's new book "Godless," comes out that same day.

Now that's really frightening.

If that's not enough for those of you looking to celebrate the end of civilization that particular day, online radio station Radio Free Satan, from Chicago, comes to Los Angeles to ring in what it calls "sin-tennial." And, of course, the Anton LeVey-founded Church of Satan will host a Satanic High Mass, to "champion reason, pluralism, skepticism and abundant joy in life."

Sounds like a lot of work to me. Satanism is so two decades ago, anyway. Can't these people find a reality show to watch or something?

• How in the name of Victor Conte can Madeleine Albright leg press 400 pounds?

In a recent interview with the New York Times magazine, the 68-year-old former secretary of State, who's about 3-foot-8, says she works out three times a week and can leg press 400 pounds.

She also says that she doesn't expect to remarry because, as she puts it, "I'm intimidating, don't you think?"

Uh ... yeah.

Janet Reno, Madeleine Albright ... what exactly was the Clinton administration serving in the cafeteria? If the government wants to get serious about the deficit, appeal to these two patriots for a one-time, pay-per-view, no-holds-barred cage match. Do it for America.
Tony Hicks is the Times' pop music critic. Reach him at 925-952-2678 or thicks@cctimes.com.